Shaky foundations

I’m finding the holidays very difficult. I tried to ignore Christmas by going away to a country that doesn’t celebrate, and to a place with no phone reception. That worked! But it was only temporary! (Sri Lanka was a brilliant place to escape too! And the safari was fantastic).

I have all these feelings about the holiday and I just want it to be done with. Age 37, taking a holiday with my parents, is not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life.

I love my parents, they are two of the most amazing, smart, funny and caring people, but they just drive me mad when we spend too long together. They were here visiting in October and are back again now (we were meant to be spending Christmas with my brother and his family but they changed their plans at the last minute and only my parents came out to Singapore). I think we have just spent too much time in too much of a confined space.

This morning I totally lost it with them. Over nothing at all. I just want a few hours in my apartment by myself.

We are all flying up to Vietnam tonight. I’m staying 3 days with them then coming back for work. They’ll stay longer. So I’ve got some space ahead.

So lucky to have a job that’s flexible, and healthy finances that allow me to make these last minute travel plans.

I know that as soon as they leave I’m going to hate myself for being so mean and snappy with them, I just can’t seem to control the emotions. I also know that it’s more than just my parents irritating me. At the root of it, I’ve been feeling unfulfilled and frustrated with life for the past 2 years, and these feelings of failure are amplified during the Christmas season.

In a couple of days I’m starting a new round of IVF. I really hope that next Christmas will be different and we will have something to celebrate because I don’t think I can spend another holiday season with these feelings of regret, shame and disappointment. It turns me in to a person I don’t want to be.

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